Boundaries… Do You Have Them?

I went to a baby shower shortly before the pandemic hit that was awesome. First, it was just fun to be with friends to celebrate the up-coming birth of our friend’s new son. Second, the theme was Bob’s Burgers and it was so much fun!

There is something about baby showers that has changed over the years and in my opinion, it’s for the good. There have always been bridal registries but now there are baby shower registries! How great is that! No more guessing what the parents need… they put it out there for everyone to know.

Many of you know that I’m a big Brene Brown fan. She says that to be clear is to be kind; to be unclear is to be unkind. This is where boundaries come in.

Regarding Boundaries… Do You Have Any? Why Are They Important?

The quick summary for boundaries is they dictate how we approach relationships with family, friends and acquaintances. Our boundaries help us live in-tune with our desires, needs and feelings. They make it so when we say “yes”, we mean “yes” and when we don’t mean “yes,” we say ‘no.’

Doesn’t that seem like an easy concept? Do you know how hard it is!?

The first step in understanding your boundaries, or your need for boundaries, is to learn about yourself. Are your needs being met? Or do you push your needs to the back shelf and put everyone else first? It obviously isn’t a bad thing to think about others, but when you do it to the extent that you don’t care for yourself, it’s not good.

We are going to do a little “Know your Boundaries” evaluation.

There are 3 types of boundaries:

• Healthy

• Ridged

• Porous

Here are the descriptions for each type of boundary:

Healthy - You have healthy boundaries, if you:

1. value your own opinion

2. don’t compromise your values for other people

3. appropriately share personal information

4. are accepting of others when they say no to you

Rigid - You have rigid boundaries, if you:

1. avoid intimacy and close relationships

2. usually don’t ask for help

3. have few close relationships

4. may seem detached

5. distance yourself to avoid rejection

Porous - You have porous boundaries, if you:

1. over-share personal information

2. have difficulty saying no to the requests of others

3. get over involved with other’s problems

4. tolerate abuse or disrespect

It’s not uncommon to be a mixture, which is needed at times, but you can usually see which one is predominately you. For me, it’s porous… the two that really resonate are ‘have difficulty saying no to requests of others’ and ‘getting over involved with other’s problems.’

I look at this as being a ‘People Pleaser’ and the problem with being this way is then I get upset with myself for not taking care of me first and then I will sometimes get resentful at the commitment that I let myself get into. It’s a lose / lose situation.

Put plainly, boundaries are the line between where I end and you begin. Healthy boundaries define who we are in relation to others. They also help us to know what the extents and limits are with others. Personal boundaries are how we teach people who we are and how we would like to be handled in relationships. Good personal boundaries protect you.

Keep in mind that appropriateness of boundaries is also dictated by the setting. What is appropriate with friends isn’t necessarily appropriate at work. Culture differences also play a part.

How Do We Establish Healthy Boundaries?

1. Trust and believe in yourself. You are the ultimate authority on you! You know what you want, need and value. Healthy boundaries allow you to take better care of yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

2. Accept that your needs and feelings are as important as other people’s needs and feelings. That can be hard when your religious values have taught you to always put others first. I’m not saying that you stop caring about others, but if you give, give and give some more, pretty soon you are worn out. At that point you can do nothing for yourself or for others.

3. Learn to say ‘no.’ This one can be sooooo hard! But a certain amount of selfishness is necessary for healthy personal boundaries.

4. You have the right to personal boundaries. This is how you take responsibility for how others treat you. Boundaries are filters that permit what is acceptable in life and what is not acceptable.

Clearly established boundaries truly help us care for ourselves. One of my favorite benefits of having personal boundaries is they help us to become less concerned about how we are viewed and more satisfied with the perception we have of ourselves.

Are you ready for a little homework?

We are going to practice honoring our “Yes’s” and our “No’s.”

1. Think about your top 5 priorities in life… you may want to write them down.

2. Next, look at your calendar for the next 7 days. What activities or commitments do you have that support your top 5 priorities?

3. Next, look at what activities or commitments that do not support your top 5 priorities.

4. Choose and select at least ONE activity or commitment that doesn’t support your top 5 priorities and cancel it within the next 24 hours.

Be BRAVE, you can do this! Your future self will thank your current self for setting clear boundaries!